


I Wanted It For Myself

by DrusillaMuffels



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Coda, Confession, Cry for help, Depressed Dean Winchester, Depression, Emotionally Hurt Dean Winchester, Emotionally Hurt Sam Winchester, Episode: s14e15 Peace of Mind, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, MIGHT BE TRIGGERING, Ma’lak Box, POV Dean Winchester, POV Sam Winchester, Season/Series 14, Self-Loathing, Suicidal Dean Winchester, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, be careful, mention of past suicide, suicide threat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-05
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-18 12:02:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29857797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DrusillaMuffels/pseuds/DrusillaMuffels
Summary: Sam tells Dean that he’s glad that he didn’t go through with the plan to spend eternity in the Ma’lak box on the bottom of the ocean. Dean confesses that Michael was not the only reason for him to take himself off the board.
Relationships: Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester
Kudos: 13





	I Wanted It For Myself

**Author's Note:**

> This might be triggering, so please look at the tags before reading. If you are struggling, feel free to reach out to me. You can also find help here:  
> USA: 1-800-273-8255  
> GB: 08457 90 90 90  
> Germany: 0800 1110111
> 
> Disclaimer: I don’t own Supernatural.  
> ***** marks the change of the POV

“I hate this place right now. I hate it. Everywhere I look, I see them. I see Maggie. I guess that's why, uh… why I was so desperate to get out of here, why I kept running us ragged. But I got to stop that. I… I can't keep running. I… This is my home. This is our home. Dean, I think I just need some time.”

“Okay.”

\-----

A few hours later, Sam knocked on Dean’s bedroom door. “Mind if I come in?” “No, of course not, Sammy. What’s up?” “Dean, what I said earlier… I didn’t mean to imply that… that what happened… that this was in any way your fault or anything.” Sam had only later realized that his words might worsen Dean’s guilt about letting Michael in. “I know. I didn’t take it like that.” Sam was a little confused by his brother’s answer, but he decided not to question it. He nodded. “Good.” Dean already shifted his attention back to the book in his hands. “Dean…” “Yeah?” “I’m really glad that you did not throw yourself into the Pacific, man. I mean… I know that the way things went down was anything but ideal… but I couldn’t have taken it to lose you over Michael. I’m glad that you decided to believe in us.” Sam started to turn towards the door. “Sammy, wait a moment.” Sam stopped in his tracks. “Close the door, sit down.” “Okay?” Sam questioningly cocked his head to the side but he did as he was told.

Dean took a long, deep breath. “It was not just because of Michael.” “What? What are you talking about, Dean?” There was bewilderment in Sam’s eyes, and a hint of understanding, mixed with the refusal to accept what Dean was trying to say. “The Ma’lak box. I also wanted it for myself.” Sam only stared at him in horror and confusion, so Dean continued. “We haven’t talked about it much lately, but I am still so very very tired, Sammy. I have been for years. I know where the road I’m on will eventually lead me and with Michael about to burn this whole world down… well, I figured I might just take a shortcut…” Sam refused to believe what he was hearing. “Dean… what… what the hell are you saying?” “I am saying that I still don’t see a light at the end of this tunnel. And that checking out of it all seemed not that bad of a deal. Especially, when someone threw in the fate of the world and everybody in it to sweeten it. I want… I wanted it to be over.” Tears welled up in Sam’s eyes. _No. This couldn’t be true. His brother wasn’t that kind of guy, he wasn’t suicidal… maybe a bit dramatic, which could probably be ascribed to the huge number of movies he consumed, maybe even a martyr, ready to die for the right cause… but not suicidal, right?_ Slowly the realization began to sink in. _Dean wanted to die… wants to die… which one was it?_ He needed to know. “And… and now… how… how do you feel now…?” Sam hated that his voice was shaking.

Another long, deep breath. “I am glad that he’s gone, glad that Jack killed him. But I will never forgive myself for the fact that because of me that boy has almost nothing of his soul left. Should Jack ever go Dark Side, everything that he does will be on me. Just like everything Michael did and might have done is on me.” _Why does he always think that he’s responsible for everything that happens in this world?_ Sam wanted to tell Dean to stow this crap when he saw the look in Dean’s eyes. He had always known that there was something deep inside his brother that he could never fully grasp. Sam hadn’t been able to put a name to it. But now he knew what that expression he had seen on Dean’s face so often meant. It was there after each hunt gone wrong, when they hadn’t been able to save someone. And every time they had lost one of their own. He had always assumed it was frustration, anger, or grief, maybe even regret, but now he was sure that it was self-loathing. Something inside Sam broke. _How could his brother, who had saved the world countless times, no matter what it cost him, hate himself? Had really nothing changed since the time when he had claimed to be nothing but a grunt? Would he ever be able to make Dean see his own worth? Would Dean ever believe him, and Cas, and Jack that they loved him?_

Anger began to rise up in Sam. He had felt useless before, he had been consumed by guilt, but he never truly hated himself. Apparently, this was completely different for Dean. It hurt, having to face all of these truths about his brother. Sam wanted to make him feel it too, he wanted to hurt him. “You know that he would have never let you die, right? I mean, sure, you might have drowned or suffocated in that box, but he would have brought you back, again and again. Do you hate yourself and your life so much that you would have preferred being locked away on the bottom of the ocean together with a sadistic archangel for all eternity instead of staying here?” “This was never about me hating myself. I didn’t see another way out of it, Sammy, you know that. And yeah, I suppose he would have done exactly what you just said, but my life is not worth risking the rest of the world for it. And at least like that the people I love would have been save from him.” Dean was uncharacteristically calm, his voice low and a bit rasping. In contrast, Sam’s voice rose, frustration and rage breaking out of him in a violent scream as he jumped up from the chair he was sitting on. “Are you that screwed in the head?!” Dean looked as if he had been hit, even flinching a bit at the words. Sam wanted to make him feel something, but he didn’t expect this reaction.

*****

The words hit Dean like a sucker-punch. Sam couldn’t have known about the argument Dean had with Bobby all those years ago after he sold his soul to bring his brother back to life. Sam couldn’t have known that Dean had heard these exact same words, when he had decided that he didn’t matter, that giving up his life was not a price he wouldn’t pay, especially when it meant saving Sam. Since then, his attitude had changed only slightly. Sure, there were times when he was willing to fight. Sometimes, he felt that he deserved more, a better life, a life that was neither controlled by his father nor by some divine scheme. But most of the time, he felt expendable, like a tool to be used until it was broken, waiting for the inevitable, the time when we would have served his purpose and would be cast away. At those times, he’d have been more than happy if his death would come with some positive side-effects.

For a while now, however, Dean had stopped caring about what happened to him. That is, he had stopped caring for the most part. The prospect of being alone with Michael forever had still scared the shit out of him. But it was nothing compared to the terror he felt when thinking about letting Michael loose on this world. And besides, it was his fault, he had let him in in the first place. Without him, Michael would probably have died weeks or months ago. The fact that Lucifer, juiced up with Jack’s superior powers, would walk the Earth right now if he hadn’t done it, didn’t matter. He had screwed up, so he was the one who had to fix the problem. Michael had already done so much damage. The worst part being the death of Maggie and the other hunters, Sam’s army. They were dead because of him, because he had let Michael in. The box would have prevented that. If only he had had the guts to go through with it. But now he couldn’t even make up for it and the way all of this got to Sam, the way he blamed himself for it, was almost too much for Dean to take.

So, by now, Dean didn’t care anymore. There was nothing he could do anymore. He we useless. The damage was done, Michael was gone, and Sam was heartbroken. Cas had just left since he couldn’t stand being in the bunker anymore and Jack had burnt up almost all of his soul starting down a path of losing himself. All of this was on Dean and he was so very very tired. When Sam brought up the Ma’lak Box again, he didn’t have the strength anymore to pretend otherwise. “I’m heading out. Don’t wait up for me, I might be gone for a while.” Dean stood from the bed and started to pack up his duffle bag. “Do you really expect me to let you go after what you have just told me?” “Sam, if you don’t want to wake up one morning to my brain decorating the ceiling, you will.” He knew it was a low blow and the look on Sam’s face broke Dean’s heart. But he needed to get out and he couldn’t take back what he had just said.

“You don’t need me to watch out for you anymore, Sammy. You are a grown man and a damn good hunter. You have been for a while now. And you have also become a great leader. And I am very proud of you. But I just need a break. One apocalypse chasing the next, I can’t do this anymore, not right now. I need to find out what’s next for me, and I obviously can’t do it here.” “And what are the options you’re thinking about, huh? I mean, you ODed before and it didn’t take, so that’s probably out. Will it be a gun then, a blade, or are you planning to jump?” Sam rounded on Dean, his words laced with venom. Jack could probably hear them fight, but the boy was too clever to get involved in the brothers’ argument and stayed away. “Sam, you know that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m going on vacation; I might go to Cancun. And I’m going to think about the future. Who knows? I might decide to retire down there. I mean, I’m not saying that I’ll never hunt again, but I can’t continue like this, being responsible for the fate of the world, the punchline of every cosmic joke there is.” _Or I’ll just drive over to Lawrence and put an end to it right where it started_. Try as he might, but these darker thoughts never left Dean. “You’re expecting me to believe that?” “No. But that doesn’t make it less true.” With this, Dean picked up his duffle and headed for the door. He was surprised at how easily the lie had left his lips. But then again, maybe it wasn’t a lie. He didn’t know for sure. “So, you’re really going to leave me and Jack behind?” Dean stopped for a moment, considering. He turned around to really look Sam in the eyes for the first time since he had made his confession. “You could come with me.” He hoped desperately for Sam to say yes, for Sam to make sure that Dean actually went to Cancun and not to Lawrence. Sam looked back at him, pondering…

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you very much for reading. Please tell me if you think I should add any tags.


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